Part 4: Laws of Boundaries

We have heard of the law of gravity. We can try deny its existence, but does that change anything? We can give all kinds of arguments as to why it doesn’t exist or at least not for you, but what is going to happen the moment you step off that cliff? That law is going to take effect and you are going to quickly meet reality.

We may be able to claim ignorance the law of gravity, especially when we were younger, but does that exempt us from it? It doesn’t any more than a police officer giving us a ticket for driving 45 mph in a 35 mph zone, even if we did not realize that it was only 35 mph. Not knowing is not an excuse.

When considering our relationships, there are some laws that God has set in place concerning boundaries.  We need to be aware of these laws because they are in place whether we realize them or not and there are consequences of not following them. Let’s look at the “Ten Laws of Boundaries” as defined by authors Cloud and Townsend:

1. The law of sowing and reaping: Our actions have consequences. (Galatians 6:7-8).
2. The law of responsibility: We are responsible to each other but not for each other. (Philippians 2:12-13, John 15:12).
3. The law of power: We have power over some things but we are NOT to have power over people. (Romans 7:15-23).
4. The law of respect: If we want others to respect our boundaries, we must respect theirs.  (Matthew 7:12, 2 Corinthians 3:17).
5. The law of motivation: The motivation of our heart affects the way we make decisions about boundaries. (2 Corinthians 9:7)
6. The law of evaluation:  We must evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person. (Proverbs 15:5, Hebrews 12:11)
7. The law of pro-activity: Once we really know who we are, what our life purpose is, and what we believe about others, we are free to be proactive and take the initiative in acting positively rather than passively taking what comes our way and simply reacting to it.  (Romans 4:15, Ephesians 6:4).
8. The law of envy: Envy keeps us from being satisfied with what we have in life and keeps us at odds with those who have what we want but don’t have.  The Bible says that envy is sin. (Ephesians 6:4)
9. The law of activity: It is important to move out of passivity and consciously begin setting healthy boundaries. Many times we have a problem with setting boundaries because we lack initiative; often it is simply a matter of being emotionally or physically exhausted.  (Matthew 14:22-33)
10. The law of exposure: Boundaries need to be able to be seen and understood by others and should be communicated in a clear, concise, consistent and loving way.  (Ephesians 4:25-26)

While it would be hard to do here, we have been taking an in-depth look at each of these laws with the parents and the girls and reflecting how each one has had an impact in their relationships with each other. There are a few, however that I do want to touch on this time and in our next post because there are parts that are often misunderstood.

The first is The Law of Sowing and Reaping, which is our actions have consequences. God has intended for us to learn from the consequence or effects of our decisions. For example, you walk outside on a cold day without a coat, you end up being cold and next time you will hopefully wear a coat. We can also interrupt this law and not allow people to learn from the consequences of their decisions. We reap what they sow.

We let our teen open a checking account to teach financial responsibility, but we bail them out when the overdraw their account because they were not recording everything in the ledger. By not letting them work with the bank, we interfere with the consequences and teach them that we will bail them out when they fail. We are reaping what they have sown and we are reaping what we have sown.

We set out with good intentions thinking that we are supporting them, but we are really harming them by not allowing them to learn and solve problems. Somewhere along the line, many parents began believing their role is to help kids grow up with as few challenges and failures as possible. Parents have become so overprotective that their kids never practice dealing with challenges and failures on their own. This can cause kids to grow up not knowing how to cope with the realities of life. Your support role is to help them learn how to make good decisions, not make the decisions for them or clean up their messes. They may not be happy at that particular moment, but there will not be resentment in the end.

Can you think of a time in your life where you have reaped what you have sown?  Was it a positive or negative consequence?

Can you think of a time when you interrupted the law of sowing and reaping? What were the results?

Common Myths About Setting Boundaries

If boundaries are important, then why do you think they are often avoided or not maintained?

That is a great question! There are eight common myths as to why people do not set boundaries, identified in Cloud & Townsends’ teachings. Here, we are only going to examine the top three. As you read them, identify any you may be believing.

The first myth we will look at is,
“When I say no or set a limit, I’m being selfish.”

No, you can’t go out with all of your friends. It is a school night and you know the rules. Besides, you still have homework to do.

That’s not fair. You just don’t want me to have any fun. You’re stuck at home, so now you’re making me stay home too.
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No, I’m sorry I can’t take you to the airport at 4am because I have a big presentation in the morning that I need to be ready for.

You don’t care about me. You are only concerned about work and yourself.

The Truth is we are not being selfish. Instead we are acting out of our own understanding instead of reacting to someone else’s actions. We are actually being a greater help by not letting outside forces influence us to enter into situations that are bad for us. We can make the argument that we are being self-centered and if we take a look at the positive definition, it means to be independent of outside force or influence. We hold our boundaries despite what others might say because it is best for ourselves.

Galatians 5:1  Stand fast therefore in the liberty with which Christ has made us free, and do not again be held with the yoke of bondage.

If you struggle with maintaining boundaries for fear of being selfish, it is important to examine yourself and find why that is. If there are people in your life that do not respect your boundaries and accuse you of being selfish, it is also important to examine your relationship and talk with them. Have you been selfish in areas; have you been respectful of their boundaries. We discuss this in more detail with the Laws of Boundaries.

The second myth we will look at says,
“If I set limits, I’m going to lose love or be hurt.”

If you give in and follow the crowd just so you can fit in with a group at school, church or even work, do they even know the real you? Is it then possible for them to like the real you if they are not seeing the real you?

The Truth is they are not connecting with the real you, but instead connecting to the you that you want them to see. If you are judging that a person or group will abandon or reject you if you hold to your boundaries, you are allowing that judgment to come back on you. You have, in fact, just abandoned and rejected yourself and committed the act that you were afraid of. If the other person truly loves or respects you, they will understand and respect your boundaries.

Romans 12:2  Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God—what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect.

If this is something you struggle with, it is important to find the root of this fear.

The final myth to discuss here is
“Setting a boundary makes me feel guilty or bad.”

Believing this myth is often identified with the expression, “But they’ve done so much for me. They have always been there to help me.” We overlook our boundaries with the belief that we now owe them.

The Truth is that Love is a free gift without a price tag or I.O.U. If the help given in the past was done out of love, then there are no conditions, real or perceived. If someone is putting conditions based on what they have done for you in the past, then are they really friends? At the same time, if it is a perception that conditions are being placed on you, then why? Basing how you feel about yourself on how others treat you skews our perception and leads us to this feeling. Healthy boundaries help you to base your value off of truth; who you are in Christ.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
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Do any of these myths ring true in your ears and heart? The challenge is on! As parents, it is important to model and maintain healthy boundaries because our children learn how to create and maintain boundaries by observing us. They watch how you treat yourself and others. If you struggle with boundaries in your relationship with them, they will struggle with boundaries in their relationships with others.

It is never too late to change or set boundaries with the people in your life. You might meet some resistance, especially when you didn’t have them before. They will adjust and appreciate you more in the end because you will be able to respect yourself and respect their boundaries.

Oops…I think I just revealed a topic in our next installment…The Law of Boundaries!

 

 

Why are personal boundaries so important to us?

Before we talk about why personal boundaries are so important, we should probably give some definition to what are personal boundaries. I know…BORING.

Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning to give our lives order, peace and a sense of well-being.

Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. These are sometimes referred to as the “protection” and “containment”. In other words they show us the responsibility we have to others and make us aware of the limitations we should place on people in our lives.

When we fail to set healthy, clearly defined boundaries, there is a blur between where one person ends and another begins. This results in an unhealthy entanglement between two persons and will eventually cause great resentment, chaos and hurt in our lives.

Ahab and Jezebel are one of the best examples of unhealthy boundaries that resulted in the destruction of both. 1Ki 21:25  There was no one else who had devoted himself so completely to doing wrong in the LORD’s sight as Ahab—all at the urging of his wife Jezebel. GNB

If boundaries are so important, then why do we have such a rough time setting and keeping them? We will answer that question next time as we look into some common myths about setting boundaries. In the meantime, answer this question…

When I discover or am confronted with a problem in my life, what is the typical way I handle it? Do I blame someone else, make an excuse, avoid it, deny it is real, make little/light of it, rationalize a reason for it, deal with it, or something else?